


I Think I Like You

by carrotsteak



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blood, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Self-Harm, Slow Burn Romance, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrotsteak/pseuds/carrotsteak
Summary: Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers on their journey to recovery.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 17





	1. Bucky (1)

**Author's Note:**

> I will try my best to mention at the beginning of a chapter if there will be any potential triggers  
> This chapter contains self harm and panic attacks

He rushed into the bathroom, unable to keep himself in check anymore. All the thoughts that had been floating around in his head, collided, combined, and morphed into one big, redemption plan. All his feelings were all in his head, so he would release them onto his arm. He ripped his shirt off and looked at himself in the mirror, his face twisted in rage, and sadness. He was sweating as he made eye contact with himself. He saw his angry glare, and his grimace, all of it making him go pale. He looked down at his shaking hands on the counter and spotted it. His shaving razor. He took his razor and hit it against the wall, as quietly as he could. The blades popped out, their sharp ends gleaming under the bathroom light. He threw the rest of the broken razor in the trash. He sucked in a breath, and held the blade in his left hand. That hand had caused so much pain. It brought back bad memories, and flooded him in grief, sadness and guilt. He let out his breath, and took the blade to his other arm. He deserved this, or at least so he thought. He had hurt so many people, and this was his payment. It didn't matter that he didn't do it anymore, because he did it. He felt a tear drip off his face and land on his arm.  
“Ahhgh!” he hissed, as the salt from his tear went into the cuts he just made on his arm. He set the blade down on the counter, and leaned against the wall, shirtless and in pain.  
“You ok Buck?” inquired a worried sounding man, who was walking into their simple bedroom that was attached to the bathroom.  
“Shit” said Bucky under his breath, realizing he left the bathroom door open. He scrambled up and started pulling his shirt on as fast as possible. “Yeah! I'm all good!” sang Bucky quickly, trying to sound happy. Trying to sound ok.  
Steve walked in with a smile on his face, and saw Bucky hurriedly pulling his shirt over his head. His smile shrank.  
“What's going on Bucky?” he asked as he saw something was wrong.  
“Nothing,” Bucky said, all too rapidly as he pasted on the biggest grin he could muster, while he felt shameful for what he had just done.  
Steve's eyes swept around the room and he thought he saw blood on the floor, near the corner. He walked over, to see what it was.  
“What is this Bucky?”  
“I don't know. Maybe dirt?” he said as he got nervous. “Lets go!” he said, attempting to sound happy.  
“No” said Steve as he walked over to the sink. “What's this?” he said, struck, as he held up the razor blade, with fresh blood on it.  
“Uhhm, I dont know. I'm gonna go while you investigate this ‘crime scene’” Bucky said with a forced chuckle as he walked out briskly.  
Steve grabbed Bucky's metal arm, as he realized what was going on here, conscious of the fact that the real arm might be hurt.  
“Bucky, are you ok?” Steve said with a concerned tone as Bucky turned to face him.  
“Uh, yeah?” he said, trying to keep up his facade.  
Steve gently grabbed Bucky's right hand, the human one. With his other hand, Steve slowly rolled up Bucky's sleeve, revealing fresh blood. Bucky looked away. Steve's eyebrows furrowed, not with anger, but disappointment and sadness for his friend.  
Bucky pulled away from Steve's soft grasp, and walked over to his bed. He sat down and looked at his hands, after rolling down his sleeve. He opened his mouth to talk, but closed it out of shame. His expression showed everything, and also nothing. He looked blank, but also in pain. He looked as though he had been through hell, but also as though he didn't care.  
“Bucky,” Steve said in a concerned tone. “Why?... Ugh, i’m sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Just…” he trailed off, unsure of how to handle the situation. “I care about you, and I just don't know what to say!” he spoke sounding stunned, and kind of like a disappointed parent. Bucky knew he cared. He also knew that Steve didn't mean to come off like this.  
Steve sighed, and sat down next to Bucky on his bed. He kept his distance, but was still there.  
After a few moments of slightly uncomfortable silence, Steve spoke.  
“Do you want to talk about anything?” Steve whispered.  
Bucky didn't say anything to respond at first. He continued to look at his hands, as a small tear streaked down the side of his face. He closed his eyes, and breathed.  
Steve moved closer, and put his arm around Bucky's shoulder, watching for any body language that showed discomfort.  
Bucky sighed and leaned into his friend's muscular chest as he continued to quietly cry. He listened to his breath, and his heart. It made him cry harder.  
Steve got nervous as Bucky started to sob into his chest. He worried that he was doing something wrong, so he pulled his friend into a gentle hug. He gently stroked Bucky's back in a comforting way, trying to soothe him.  
As Bucky's sobs slowly calmed down, he started feeling ready to talk. He slowly backed out of Steve's arms, and he wiped his nose, still avoiding his gaze.  
“I'm sorry.” Bucky apologized, with his head pointed down.  
“What are you sorry about?” Steve inquired.  
“It was selfish and I shouldn't have done it.” Bucky said, sounding shameful.  
“don't be sorry, Buck. It wasn't selfish. You were doing what seemed right in the moment… you shouldn't have done it, but we can work on that.” He looked down at the super soldier's arm, which was probably healing already.  
Bucky looked up and made eye contact with his friend. His mouth was shaped into a slight frown, tilting down at the corners. He looked at Bucky with a look of pain. He was sad that his friend would resort to this. He knew that he was hurt, but he didn't think it was this bad.  
“Bucky?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Why didn't you tell me that you were going through this?”  
“I guess, I just felt that if you got involved, or if you knew about it…” he paused “maybe you would be mad at me... for… making waves? … I also thought… that maybe you would treat me like... Never mind.” Bucky said, his tone, upset and ashamed.  
“Bucky, I would never do that to you, If you needed help you could have reached out to me! It sounded like you had more that you wanted to say though. I won't judge you, I promise.”  
“I don't know,” Bucky replied, sounding unsure if what he said to Steve was true.  
“Oh it's ok Buck. All I want you to know is that I care about you, and you can always talk to me if you want to.”  
Bucky's stomach grumbled audibly.  
“When's the last time you ate Buck? Do you want me to make you dinner?”  
“I don't remember,” Bucky said, after pondering Steve's question for a second. “I am a little hungry, thanks.” he smiled a sad smile.


	2. Steve (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for panic attacks

He looked at his closest friend, and sighed. He grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently and then stood up.  
“Do you want to come with me?”  
“Sure, as long as I don't have to help.” he said with a serious expression on his face, as he looked Steve dead in the eye.  
Steve chuckled and the life returned to both the men's faces, as they smiled.  
“On a more serious note, though,” said Bucky “please don't tell anybody else about this, for now.”  
“Ok” Steve nodded. His friend could tell him a secret, and he would take it to the grave.  
Steve took Bucky's metal arm, and helped him up off the bed.  
They walked next to each other, out the door, and Steve closed it behind them. They walked silently through the hall slowly getting closer to the soft sound of friends talking and laughing light heartedly in the living room. When they arrived there they walked straight to the kitchen.  
The kitchen had a bar, and was openly attached to the living room, so that people could talk to each other, or you could watch TV while cooking. The open plan in the room created a cozy atmosphere that felt welcoming of fun and laughter.  
“Caps cooking tonight!” Bucky called out to everyone whilst sitting down on a bar stool facing the kitchen.  
There were whoops and cheers from the people in the common room as they heard the news.   
“fuck you!” Steve laughed to Bucky as a small crowd of his friends migrated closer to the kitchen and bar.  
Natasha sat on Bucky's left. Tony and Bruce stayed standing a little further back, talking about science. The rest of the team were off at home, with their families, but in a way, so were these people. They were each other's family of sorts.  
Steve started the oven pre-heating, as Natasha spoke up.  
“What were you two up to? You were in there for a little while.” she inquired, not prying.  
Bucky tensed, and looked to Steve for cover.  
“Oh nothing,” Steve said smiling as he pulled some chicken out of the fridge. “We were just talking.” he stated in a polite tone, saying, don't ask.  
Bucky relaxed a little, and focused on his hands, clearly still upset.  
“Ok.” Natasha replied, relatively satisfied with that answer. “What are you making for dinner?”  
“Tonight, I am making chicken and vegetables!” he said, putting on an accent to make it sound special.  
“Wow, fancy” she said sarcastically.   
Bucky chuckled.   
“Tomorrow, I will be serving a special of ordered sushi!” Steve said, as he glanced over at Bucky, knowing that was his favorite.  
Bucky gave him a small smile, and then looked back at his hands.  
“You ok Bucky?” Natasha asked, a little worried for Steve's friend.  
He didn't respond. He looked very focused on his right hand, and very deep in thought.  
“Bucky?” she said sharply.  
“Yeah?” he asked with a start.  
Steve looked over at him, worried.  
“I asked if you were ok, and you didn't respond.” She said, looking at him, concerned.  
“Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm fine, just a little out of it I guess…” he trailed off, and then looked at Steve.  
Steve put the chicken onto baking trays, and put it in the oven.  
“Friday, can you set a 20 minute timer for me please?”  
“Yes sir” the female AI said.  
“Thanks Fri!” Steve chirped happily, as he started to wash and prepare a few different kinds of vegetables.  
Steve, Natasha, and Bucky made small talk, ignoring the elephant in the room while waiting for the chicken to be done.  
When it was done, Steve pulled it out, and set it on top or the stove with the finished vegetables.  
“Nat, can you start putting these into serving dishes please?” asked Steve  
“Sure.”  
“Ok thanks. Buck, you and I can go set the table. You grab the plates, and I’ll get the silverware and napkins.”  
“Ok” said Bucky, glad to do a job with Steve, sure that he had chosen for that to happen on purpose.  
“Friday, can you let Tony and Bruce know that dinner is ready, and they need to get their drinks, and come up here.”  
“Ok” said the AI.  
While Steve and Bucky were setting the table in the quiet it was comfortable, but it felt like Bucky wanted to say something. Bucky broke the silence after a little bit.  
“I think I will tell Natasha if I find a good time to do it.”  
“That sounds like a good idea to me, do you want me there when you do it?” asked Steve.  
“Yes please, but I might back out, so If that happens, will you cover for me?” Bucky asked, worried.  
“Of course, Bucky, I'm here for you, and whatever makes you feel comfortable.”  
“Ok thank you.” Bucky said, shortly before Nat came in with the food, on serving trays with serving utensils.  
“Thank you Nat” said Steve politely  
“Any time. Where are those lousy boys, making me wait!” she exclaimed jokingly when she knew they could hear her.  
Tony and Bruce waltzed in right “on time” according to Tony, and then they dug in.  
Bucky  
As everyone sat down for dinner, he thought about all the people and things he cared about and all the things he loved. It made him feel sad, as he listened but didn't hear. The sound of chairs sliding against the floor. Laughing, and chatting. The clattering of silverware against dishes. His heart started beating. Loud. That's all he could hear. His wrist started feeling hot, and he quickly moved his metal hand to grab his real wrist. All the sounds echoing through his ears.   
“Bucky… BUCKY!” he heard someone shout, as he snapped out of his trance.  
“Uhm yeah?” Bucky said nervously looking upland around, trying to find out who had called his name.  
“Would you like that? We can do that for you.” said Tony, looking a little irritated.  
“Oh yeah, I would like that.” Bucky said, responding blindly to a question he didn't know the answer to.  
“Ok we can do that after dinner, just meet me and Bruce in the lab.”  
“Ok thanks” Bucky said with a forced smile.   
He looked over at a concerned Steve, passed him a plate with vegetables on it.  
“Do you want any of these?” Steve asked.  
“Sure,” Bucky replied. He scooped out a few vegetables. “Can you pass me the chicken please?” Natasha handed the plate over, as she took away the plate of veggies. “Thanks”  
“Sure,” Natasha said, giving him a little side eye, knowing that something must be wrong. She made a mental note to ask Steve about it after dinner when Bruce, Tony, and Bucky were in the lab working on a new arm.  
They all continued to eat and chat, everyone conscious of the fact that Bucky, clearly wasn't feeling himself.  
Bucky ate a little, but he didn't feel very hungry. He mostly just cut up his food. Being a super soldier, he should always be hungry, and he should be eating two or three times as much food as a normal grown man would eat. Today, he actually ate less than Natasha did, which is not enough to sustain him.   
He laughed at people's jokes, and he cracked a few of his own but overall, he didn't add much to the conversation. He put in just enough so that he might seem ok to people who didn't know him, but these were his friends so they could see, something was up. Maybe he was just tired, or maybe he just had a bad day.  
“Ok, well, i’m done so, i'm going down to the lab. Bruce and Bucky, come down when you're ready.” Tony said standing up, to put his dish in the dishwasher and go.  
“alright, i’m almost done, but i'll wait for our arm model to finish so I can explain exactly what we're going to need to do.” said Bruce.  
Bucky's heart skipped a beat. What did he mean, “arm model”? He crossed his heart that they meant his metal arm. His cuts had to be almost completely healed by now, but even so, there would still be clear marks. Oh no.  
“I'm ready to go. Let me clear my plate real quick though.” Bucky said, trying to sound calm.  
“Ok, I'll wait here with Nat and Steve.” Bruce said in a cheery tone.  
Bucky walked into the kitchen trying to think of what they might be needing an arm model for. He was also trying to think of an excuse that he could use to get out of it. Maybe they wouldn't need him to take off his shirt though, or maybe he wouldn't have to roll up his sleeves. Clearing his plate, he looked around.  
“Oh shit, Steve!” he gasped. “You startled me, I didn't hear you coming!” he chuckled at his nerves, but then his smile disappeared, noticing the expression on Steve's face.  
“Bucky,” Steve said, giving him a disapproving stare. “Did you even hear what you're going to the lab to do?”  
“No…” He replied with a shameful tone.  
“They offered to make you a new arm. Who knows what that entails, but I'm not sure you're ready to tell them about… everything. And they might find out. They might not though. Who knows. Are you still in the mood to tell Natasha?”  
“Umm, I'm not sure. We’ll see how this plays out.  
“Ok. After you’re done, you can tell me if you want. Are you ready?”  
“Yeah” he sighed as Steve started to walk away. “Steve?” Bucky said quietly.  
“Yes?” Steve turned around to face him.  
“I'm sorry.” he said apologetically.  
“It's ok.” Steve walked back to Bucky, and hugged him. “it’ll all be ok.” He sighed, and let Bucky go.  
“Good luck Buck.” he said.  
“Thanks.”

Bucky walked back into the dining room and found Bruce and Natasha talking softly.  
“Shh”  
“Ok, Bucky you can come with me down to the lab.” Bruce started walking into the hallway, as he beckoned for Bucky to follow him. They walked to the elevator together as Bruce started explaining what they were going to do.  
“So we are basically going to take the measurements of your ‘normal’ arm” he said putting air-quotes around the word normal, “and use them to make you a new arm that is more fitted to you. We will add some new parts to it to make it more convenient for you. Once we get down to the lab you can tell me and Tony about some new adjustments you want to be made to this arm. Do you have any questions?”  
“Uhmm yes. How are you going to take the measurements of my arm? Like are you going to use a measuring tape? Or make a cast?” Bucky said with a confused and slightly worried tone.  
“You sound a little nervous about this!” Bruce chuckled “I promise, we won't bite! But in all seriousness, no we won't be making a cast or anything like that. We will have you take your shirt, and hold your arm out for Friday to take a scan of and then we will have a model of your arm.” Bucky felt his heart stop. “It is basically a 3-D picture so that we can have exact measurements, and not use the materials to make a cast. It's also helpful because we can make prototype copies so that we won't have to take your measurements more than once.”  
The elevator stopped, and then stepped out, Bucky feeling more nervous than ever. He would have to take his shirt off. In front of them. He started panicking.  
‘Stop Bucky. Take a deep breath’ he thought to himself ‘you can just ask them to look away or something.’  
“Hey Bruce, can you start getting everything ready for the scan?” Tony said, not looking up from what he was working on.  
“Ok” said Bruce  
“So I assume that Bruce gave you the spiel on your way down?” Tony said, standing up and walking over to Bucky who was standing timidly near the door.  
“Uhh yeah…” said Bucky, avoiding eye contact with Tony, fiddling with his shirt sleeve on his metal arm.  
“Ok then, take your shirt off.” Tony said, walking back over to Bruce to help him set it up. “Is there anything that you want in your arm?”  
“Not in particular. Maybe just make it not… Hydra…” Bucky said, still not taking off his shirt.  
‘They will think you are dumb if you ask them to look away. Maybe they won't notice?’ he thought to himself.  
“What are you waiting for Bucky, take your shirt off. It won't hurt.” Tony teased.  
Bucky took a deep breath, and ripped his shirt off, leaving him feeling very nervous, with his last layer of protection gone. He crossed his arms very tightly against his chest, with his human arm closer to his body, sandwiched between shirt and metal. He let out his breath quietly. He subtly observed his cuts which he hadn't looked at since he put them there. They were still there. He softly sighed, trying not to cry. He tucked his arm away, trying to avoid his feelings. He crossed his fingers that they wouldn't notice.  
“Ok” Tony said “put your arm straight out, and spread your fingers.”  
“Ok” said Bucky, noticing that neither of the scientists were looking. With his metal arm, he set down his shirt slowly.  
Bruce noticed that Bucky was cradling his flesh arm like a newborn baby. He also noticed that Bucky looked very nervous, as he slowly paced the room, and glanced around. ‘Maybe he has trauma from being in hydra labs?’ Bruce thought ‘but why would he be holding his arm like that?’  
Bruce shuffled over towards Tony subtly while Bucky wasn't looking.  
“Hey Tony,” Bruce whispered, “take a look at Bucky. He looks nervous, he is holding his arm like it’s hurt.”  
They both glanced up at the man, standing in front of them with crossed arms. His flesh arm was on the inside,almost like he was using his metal arm as a shield. His head was tilted down. He almost looked guilty.  
“Have Friday take note of any injuries in his arm,” Bruce said quietly to Tony.  
“Ok” Tony replied not looking up from what he was doing, in an attempt to look Natural. “You ready Barnes?” Tony asked.  
“Yup” Tony called him by his last name, and he didnt mind, although it did seem a little professional.  
“Ok can you put your arm out like I said?” Tony instructed  
Bucky nodded, trying to angle his arm so that his colleagues wouldn't see his arm. He observed what they were doing.  
Tony pressed a button, and a little loading bar appeared on his screen. Bruce and Tony sat and watched the bar as it filled.  
None of the men looked away from the bar until it was finished, to Bucky's relief. The screen said scan complete.  
“You can put your arm down, Barnes.” Tony said as he and Bruce went back to work. “You're dismissed.” Tony ordered  
“Ok thank you.” Bucky said quickly as he picked up his shirt and rushed towards the elevator. He went in and waited for the door to close, before pulling his shirt on, and looking at his hands in shame. When he arrived at his level, he got out of the elevator and found Nat and Steve talking. Bucky went over and sat next to Steve on the couch.  
“How'd it go Buck?” Steve inquired, slightly nervous about his friend.  
“It was ok. I'm excited to get a new arm though!” Bucky chirped. He saw Steve's posture relax a little.   
“I am tired though,” Bucky said as he leaned back into the couch. He put his head back and sighed, pushing away all thoughts and emotions. He closed his eyes and breathed.  
Steve assumed that meant, not tonight. They wouldn't bring it up with Natasha right now. He respected that, and continued his conversation with her.  
After talking for a little while, Bucky tapped out, and retreated to his room to read.


	3. Bucky (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw, poorly written anxiety attacks/dissasosiation

Bucky  
As everyone sat down for dinner, he thought about all the people and things he cared about and all the things he loved. It made him feel sad, as he listened but didn't hear. The sound of chairs sliding against the floor. Laughing, and chatting. The clattering of silverware against dishes. His heart started beating. Loud. That's all he could hear. His wrist started feeling hot, and he quickly moved his metal hand to grab his real wrist. All the sounds echoing through his ears.   
“Bucky… BUCKY!” he heard someone shout, as he snapped out of his trance.  
“Uhm yeah?” Bucky said nervously looking upland around, trying to find out who had called his name.  
“Would you like that? We can do that for you.” said Tony, looking a little irritated.  
“Oh yeah, I would like that.” Bucky said, responding blindly to a question he didn't know the answer to.  
“Ok we can do that after dinner, just meet me and Bruce in the lab.”  
“Ok thanks” Bucky said with a forced smile.   
He looked over at a concerned Steve, passed him a plate with vegetables on it.  
“Do you want any of these?” Steve asked.  
“Sure,” Bucky replied. He scooped out a few vegetables. “Can you pass me the chicken please?” Natasha handed the plate over, as she took away the plate of veggies. “Thanks”  
“Sure,” Natasha said, giving him a little side eye, knowing that something must be wrong. She made a mental note to ask Steve about it after dinner when Bruce, Tony, and Bucky were in the lab working on a new arm.  
They all continued to eat and chat, everyone conscious of the fact that Bucky, clearly wasn't feeling himself.  
Bucky ate a little, but he didn't feel very hungry. He mostly just cut up his food. Being a super soldier, he should always be hungry, and he should be eating two or three times as much food as a normal grown man would eat. Today, he actually ate less than Natasha did, which is not enough to sustain him.   
He laughed at people's jokes, and he cracked a few of his own but overall, he didn't add much to the conversation. He put in just enough so that he might seem ok to people who didn't know him, but these were his friends so they could see, something was up. Maybe he was just tired, or maybe he just had a bad day.  
“Ok, well, i’m done so, i'm going down to the lab. Bruce and Bucky, come down when you're ready.” Tony said standing up, to put his dish in the dishwasher and go.  
“alright, i’m almost done, but i'll wait for our arm model to finish so I can explain exactly what we're going to need to do.” said Bruce.  
Bucky's heart skipped a beat. What did he mean, “arm model”? He crossed his heart that they meant his metal arm. His cuts had to be almost completely healed by now, but even so, there would still be clear marks. Oh no.  
“I'm ready to go. Let me clear my plate real quick though.” Bucky said, trying to sound calm.  
“Ok, I'll wait here with Nat and Steve.” Bruce said in a cheery tone.  
Bucky walked into the kitchen trying to think of what they might be needing an arm model for. He was also trying to think of an excuse that he could use to get out of it. Maybe they wouldn't need him to take off his shirt though, or maybe he wouldn't have to roll up his sleeves. Clearing his plate, he looked around.  
“Oh shit, Steve!” he gasped. “You startled me, I didn't hear you coming!” he chuckled at his nerves, but then his smile disappeared, noticing the expression on Steve's face.  
“Bucky,” Steve said, giving him a disapproving stare. “Did you even hear what you're going to the lab to do?”  
“No…” He replied with a shameful tone.  
“They offered to make you a new arm. Who knows what that entails, but I'm not sure you're ready to tell them about… everything. And they might find out. They might not though. Who knows. Are you still in the mood to tell Natasha?”  
“Umm, I'm not sure. We’ll see how this plays out.  
“Ok. After you’re done, you can tell me if you want. Are you ready?”  
“Yeah” he sighed as Steve started to walk away. “Steve?” Bucky said quietly.  
“Yes?” Steve turned around to face him.  
“I'm sorry.” he said apologetically.  
“It's ok.” Steve walked back to Bucky, and hugged him. “it’ll all be ok.” He sighed, and let Bucky go.  
“Good luck Buck.” he said.  
“Thanks.”

Bucky walked back into the dining room and found Bruce and Natasha talking softly.  
“Shh”  
“Ok, Bucky you can come with me down to the lab.” Bruce started walking into the hallway, as he beckoned for Bucky to follow him. They walked to the elevator together as Bruce started explaining what they were going to do.  
“So we are basically going to take the measurements of your ‘normal’ arm” he said putting air-quotes around the word normal, “and use them to make you a new arm that is more fitted to you. We will add some new parts to it to make it more convenient for you. Once we get down to the lab you can tell me and Tony about some new adjustments you want to be made to this arm. Do you have any questions?”  
“Uhmm yes. How are you going to take the measurements of my arm? Like are you going to use a measuring tape? Or make a cast?” Bucky said with a confused and slightly worried tone.  
“You sound a little nervous about this!” Bruce chuckled “I promise, we won't bite! But in all seriousness, no we won't be making a cast or anything like that. We will have you take your shirt, and hold your arm out for Friday to take a scan of and then we will have a model of your arm.” Bucky felt his heart stop. “It is basically a 3-D picture so that we can have exact measurements, and not use the materials to make a cast. It's also helpful because we can make prototype copies so that we won't have to take your measurements more than once.”  
The elevator stopped, and then stepped out, Bucky feeling more nervous than ever. He would have to take his shirt off. In front of them. He started panicking.  
‘Stop Bucky. Take a deep breath’ he thought to himself ‘you can just ask them to look away or something.’  
“Hey Bruce, can you start getting everything ready for the scan?” Tony said, not looking up from what he was working on.  
“Ok” said Bruce  
“So I assume that Bruce gave you the spiel on your way down?” Tony said, standing up and walking over to Bucky who was standing timidly near the door.  
“Uhh yeah…” said Bucky, avoiding eye contact with Tony, fiddling with his shirt sleeve on his metal arm.  
“Ok then, take your shirt off.” Tony said, walking back over to Bruce to help him set it up. “Is there anything that you want in your arm?”  
“Not in particular. Maybe just make it not… Hydra…” Bucky said, still not taking off his shirt.  
‘They will think you are dumb if you ask them to look away. Maybe they won't notice?’ he thought to himself.  
“What are you waiting for Bucky, take your shirt off. It won't hurt.” Tony teased.  
Bucky took a deep breath, and ripped his shirt off, leaving him feeling very nervous, with his last layer of protection gone. He crossed his arms very tightly against his chest, with his human arm closer to his body, sandwiched between shirt and metal. He let out his breath quietly. He subtly observed his cuts which he hadn't looked at since he put them there. They were still there. He softly sighed, trying not to cry. He tucked his arm away, trying to avoid his feelings. He crossed his fingers that they wouldn't notice.  
“Ok” Tony said “put your arm straight out, and spread your fingers.”  
“Ok” said Bucky, noticing that neither of the scientists were looking. With his metal arm, he set down his shirt slowly.  
Bruce noticed that Bucky was cradling his flesh arm like a newborn baby. He also noticed that Bucky looked very nervous, as he slowly paced the room, and glanced around. ‘Maybe he has trauma from being in hydra labs?’ Bruce thought ‘but why would he be holding his arm like that?’  
Bruce shuffled over towards Tony subtly while Bucky wasn't looking.  
“Hey Tony,” Bruce whispered, “take a look at Bucky. He looks nervous, he is holding his arm like it’s hurt.”  
They both glanced up at the man, standing in front of them with crossed arms. His flesh arm was on the inside,almost like he was using his metal arm as a shield. His head was tilted down. He almost looked guilty.  
“Have Friday take note of any injuries in his arm,” Bruce said quietly to Tony.  
“Ok” Tony replied not looking up from what he was doing, in an attempt to look Natural. “You ready Barnes?” Tony asked.  
“Yup” Tony called him by his last name, and he didnt mind, although it did seem a little professional.  
“Ok can you put your arm out like I said?” Tony instructed  
Bucky nodded, trying to angle his arm so that his colleagues wouldn't see his arm. He observed what they were doing.  
Tony pressed a button, and a little loading bar appeared on his screen. Bruce and Tony sat and watched the bar as it filled.  
None of the men looked away from the bar until it was finished, to Bucky's relief. The screen said scan complete.  
“You can put your arm down, Barnes.” Tony said as he and Bruce went back to work. “You're dismissed.” Tony ordered  
“Ok thank you.” Bucky said quickly as he picked up his shirt and rushed towards the elevator. He went in and waited for the door to close, before pulling his shirt on, and looking at his hands in shame. When he arrived at his level, he got out of the elevator and found Nat and Steve talking. Bucky went over and sat next to Steve on the couch.  
“How'd it go Buck?” Steve inquired, slightly nervous about his friend.  
“It was ok. I'm excited to get a new arm though!” Bucky chirped. He saw Steve's posture relax a little.   
“I am tired though,” Bucky said as he leaned back into the couch. He put his head back and sighed, pushing away all thoughts and emotions. He closed his eyes and breathed.  
Steve assumed that meant, not tonight. They wouldn't bring it up with Natasha right now. He respected that, and continued his conversation with her.  
After talking for a little while, Bucky tapped out, and retreated to his room to read.


	4. Bucky (4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No triggers that I see to mention, If you see one let me know and ill tag it :)

Tony pulled up the complete scans.  
“Friday, any injuries?” he asked the AI  
“Yes sir. Shall I highlight them on the scans?”  
“Yes please.” he said in a slightly shocked tone.  
The scans of Bucky's arm showed up, enlarged over the table. A giant arm glowing with blue light. It was relatively muscular. You could see as much muscle definition in the super soldiers arm, as you would see in a regular man. It was a deception. That arm was a lot stronger than it looked.  
A cluster of small lines showed up on its wrist. There were about a dozen of them.  
Bruce and Tony looked at each other in dismay as they knew what had probably happened.  
“James Buchanan Barnes appears to have several small incisions on his wrist. They appear to be very well healed, although only an hour or so old.” said the AI matter-of-factly.  
“What seemed to have caused the injury?” Bruce inquired sadly, hoping to be proven wrong.  
“It appears to have been caused by a small sharp blade. Perhaps a switchblade, or a razor blade. Would you like me to ask Mr Barnes what happened?”  
Bruce looked at Tony in dismay. He bit his lip, and looked away.  
“No, I believe I understand what happened.”  
“Ok”  
“What should we do? Should we talk to Steve? He is Bucky’s best friend..” asked Bruce  
“No,” Tony replied, shaking his head “we shouldn't talk to Steve.. He might not know, and Bucky should tell him himself.” Tony pondered the thought and after a little bit he spoke. “How about you talk to Barnes, and I will get started on the arm.”  
“Ok” Bruce replied hesitantly “i'll go”  
He wasn't very good at these kinds of things, but he knew Tony was far worse. Tony was iron man, inside and out. The only way Tony could think of to deal with emotions were drinking, and work.  
Bruce took the elevator up to the common floor, and thought of what he would say to Bucky.  
When he got out, she heard Steve and Natasha talking and laughing, and he instantly felt jealous. He had feelings for her, but he didnt know how to act on them. But he also knew that she must have feelings for Steve. He was Steve Rodgers for fucks sake. He was strong, tall, and perfect. While Bruce was just Bruce. In the end he didn't mind though, because all Bruce wanted was for Natasha to be happy. Even if that meant that he couldn't have her. Even if that meant he wasn't happy.  
Bruce walked into the common room.  
“Hey Bruce!” Nat said happily  
“Hey…” he blushed “where's Bucky?”  
“I think he is reading in his room… do you want me to go get him?” Steve asked, sounding a little worried.  
“No, I can do it” Bruce said timidly “thanks” he said as he started down the hallway to Steve and Bucky's room.  
The two super soldiers had been sharing a room since Bucky had moved in. at first Bucky had been having nightmares so bad he would wake up screaming and crying. It was helpful to have someone wake him up and say ‘everything will be ok’  
Buky only really had one friend, and that was Steve. Since moving in, he had grown a little closer to the other avengers, but he was still a very closed off person.  
Bruce got to the door, and wrapped three times with his knuckles.  
“Come in”  
Bruce opened the door and paused.  
“Hey Steve.. Oh. hey Bruce? Come in…”  
Bruce walked into the dark room. All the lights were turned off except for a little lamp on a bedside table, that emitted a comforting orange glow. It was next to a bed that was pushed back to the furthest corner from the door. There was a little window open near the foot of the bed. Through the window you could hear all the sounds of the city drifting up from far below.  
Bucky closed his book and set it down  
“Do you need me in the lab? I can come down.” He said, a little nervously.  
“No actually, I wanted to ask you something” Bruce said cautiously  
“Do you want to sit?” Bucky gestured to the foot of his bed, as he pulled his knees up to his chest, like a lonely kid.  
Since the window was open it was a bit chilly, so Bucky was in a sweatshirt and sweatpants.  
“It's cold over there, so if you want you can put on a blanket.” he offered politely  
Bruce felt a little uncomfortable and nervous, as he grabbed a blanket and pulled over his lap.  
“So…” Bruce started, after a final moment to collect his thoughts “we were looking at your scans..” Bucky felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He looked down at his feet and moved his toes around in his socks. “...and we saw something. Are you ok?” he quaked, as he saw a tear rolling silently down Bucky's face.  
“Yeah, I’m ok.” he sat up, cleared his throat, and wiped the tear off his face.  
He needed to look strong. He shouldn't have been so weak with Steve earlier. He wasn't weak, and he needed to prove it.  
“No, it's ok. Crying is good for you.” Bruce soothed “you don't need to stop for me.”  
“No. I'm ok. What were you saying about my scans?”  
“It's just that, we saw your scans, and we wanted to make sure you were ok”  
“Ok, well I’m better now,” Bucky said stubbornly, trying to look strong.  
“Can I see? I just want to make sure it’s healing properly.”  
Bucky nodded a small nod. He put his arm where Bruce could reach it. He closed his eyes, and looked away.  
“Have you ever done this before?” Bruce spoke quietly, as he gently pushed up the sleeve on Bucky's non metal arm.  
Bucky shook his head no.  
“Does anyone else know?” Bruce observed his wrist, and saw more injuries than he had remembered from the scan. He shook his head sadly.  
“Yes,” Bucky's voice wavered, his head resting on his knees now. “Steve found me earlier.” he sniffed like a child, recalling something they had loved.  
It was sad for Bruce to see this poor man, so sad and vulnerable.  
“Ok, that's good. I have one more question,” he paused, knowing he needed to know the answer. Bruce gently set down Bucky's arm as he asked “have you been having…” he hesitated “...any suicidal thoughts?”   
“...No.”  
Bruce felt a weight lift off his chest.  
Bucky opened his eyes, and saw the relief wipe away the worried, twisted expression on Bruce's face. Bucky also felt relieved at his answer. He too, was glad that he didn't want to die. The problem was, he didn't know what he wanted to happen to him.  
“Good.” Bruce said “I'm going to check in on you again, probably tomorrow. In the meantime, you wanna come with me to the common room?”  
“Sure. let's go.” Bucky said, relieved that this was done.  
Bruce put down the blanket he had been using, and walked to the door, as Bucky turned off the lamp. They walked together to the common room, where Steve and Natasha were still sitting, and talking, but now in a more serious tone.


	5. Steve (5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, no tags that I saw :)

When Bruce had been gone, his and Natashas conversation felt distracted. He was worried about why they needed Bucky, although he kept telling himself that it was just because they forgot to take some measurements, or they had to ask him about personalization.  
But Steve wondered why Natasha seemed distracted. He guessed that maybe she had had a long day, or that she had something else going on. Whatever it was, it mostlikley wasn't Steve's business, so he didn't ask.   
After it had been close to five minutes, he wondered if he should go check on them. But Bruce was a smart man, so mostlikley he knew how to handle this kind of thing if that was what it was about. Steve couldn't think about what else it would be about.   
“Should I go see what they are up to?” he asked Nat  
“No, I'm sure whatever is going on, is fine.” she replied “But Bucky seemed very… weird at dinner, and before. He has just seemed off since you two talked earlier. Is everything ok?” she asked in a serious tone.  
“He's ok.” Steve stopped trying to think of a story that was believable “he's just been having nightmares again.” it was the best that Steve could come up with, but it appeared that Nat bought into it. It did seem accurate.  
“Ok.” she nodded “why… nevermind” she looked over to see Bruce and Bucky walking down the hallway together.  
Bucky walked into the room, and sat on one of the twin armchairs, near the window. Bruce kept walking off into the other room, where the elevator was. He got in, presumably to go down to the lab to update Tony.  
“Whats up?” Natasha cautiously asked Bucky.  
“Oh not much.” Bucky eyed Steve, who was at the same time, looking at Bucky.  
“What were you two talking about?” Nat prompted  
Bucky looked at Steve, and nodded. He clasped his hands together nervously.  
“Uhm, well… why i've been acting weird all day…” he paused, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. “I actually…” he paused again, shaking his head, as though to get rid of one idea, and to start another “ok.” he stated “I wanted to tell you something, because you're my friend and I trust you, and friends tell each other stuff.”  
Natasha chuckled a little at the rambling, but held it in, because she knew that it was a serious topic.  
Bucky gently touched his wrist, over his sleeve. “I don't know how to say this. I don't want to be brash.” he said looking like he was about to cry “when I try to articulate it, it makes me sad.” he looked up at Steve, wanting some sort of reassurance.  
Steve nodded a little. He wasn't being very much help at all.  
Natasha was a little confused about what was going on. She thought that it had just been nightmares or something. That was what Steve had told her. He must have been fibbing for Bucky.  
“Oh geez.” he sighed, and rolled up his sleeve. “I was sad.” he said blankly.  
Natasha leaned in a little, but saw the red lines from her seat a few feet away. She leaned back in silence. Bucky rolled down his sleeve, and looked away.  
Natasha was about to speak, but then she paused, to think. She nodded slowly, unsure of how to approach this kind of thing.  
“Thank you for telling me. If there is anything I can do to help you,” she paused “Even if you just want to sit and not talk, remember that i'm here. I’m always willing to talk.” she shifted a little in her seat, hoping that she had said the correct thing.  
“Thank you.” Bucky grimaced a broken smile.  
Without saying anymore, he got up, and went to his room.  
After a few moments, Steve too, got up.  
“I am going to check on him and make sure he is ok.” he turned around in the doorway. “It was Bucky's idea to tell you, just so you know. He does trust you.”   
Steve turned around, and walked out the door, towards his room. When he got in, he saw Bucky, laying on his bed, staring at the uninteresting ceiling.  
“Whatcha doing Buck?” Steve asked quietly, sitting down on his bed, across from Bucky.  
“Nothing. Just thinking.” Bucky said absentmindedly  
“About what?”  
Bucky sighed “I don't know.”  
Steve was confused about Bucky's answer, but he let it be. His assumption was that Bucky didn't want to talk about it.  
“Ok. I just wanted to make sure that you were ok. Remember,” Steve looked Bucky, dead in the eyes “If you ever need anything, be it a hug, a snack, or a friend. I will help you out. You can send me a text, or come find me. I will always make time. I'm with you till the end of the line.”  
Steve got up, and walked out, without a word from Bucky.  
Once Steve left, Bucky could hold the tears in no longer. They silently streamed down his face, as he slowly drifted to sleep.


	6. Bucky (6)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of cutting, existentialism, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Bucky was laying in his bed. It was about three in the afternoon, and he hadn't gotten up all day. He had been feeling particularly sad that day.  
It had been about a week since his first incident. Since then, everyone had found out, and that didn't help him feel any better. He didn't want their sympathy. The only one of them that he cared about was Steve. And he hadn't wanted Steve to find out. He had decided to tell Natasha, by his own volition, but Tony and Bruce had found out by their smarts, and his stupidity.  
Most of the time, he didn't feel like getting out of bed. Sometimes, he forced himself up, just to socialize, and to look like he was ok. But for the most part, he just slept the day away. Nobody blamed him. They were all worried.   
But Steve was worried the most. He wanted to help Bucky, but he didn’t know how. Bucky wouldn't want to go to therapy again, he knew that for a fact. So for now, he just let Bucky alone, and worried from afar. He gave Bucky his space, and tried to stay out of the room most of the time.  
Bucky was rabbit-holing, as he liked to call it. He kept tumbling down an endless hole of thoughts, ever changing. It was distracting when he didn't want to, but it could also distract him from his emotions, which he didn't mind.  
He was rabbit-holing, going from one thought from the other, and somehow, his brain had gotten stuck. It kept thinking and asking the same question over and over again.  
‘Why’ it asked, ‘why am I alive, why am I here. What if I wasn't? Would people care? Why?’  
He tried to distract himself, but that only turned his mind into an echo chamber.  
‘Why, why, why?’ it asked over and over, incessantly until he had just about had enough of its talking.  
His arm tingled. He got the sudden urge to do it again. He hadn't felt the need to get up in almost a week, but out of the blue, he felt he needed to. He needed the feeling of the metal on his skin. He needed the hurt. Maybe to distract, maybe to feel. He wasn't sure, all he did know was that it felt right.  
He went to the bathroom, and this time was far more careful about covering his tracks. He took his razor, which was knew. He had gotten a new one, because his old one was broken. Everybody thought he wouldn't do it again.  
It was clean, because he didn't shave at all that week. He didn't have the energy to do it.  
He broke his razor like last time. He made sure to put all of it in the trash, and then put some paper on it, to hide it.  
This time there were no tears. Just the pattern. Cut, breath. Cut, breath.  
It was therapeutic.  
This time, he hid them on his upper arm. Nobody was going to force him to take off his sweatshirts, and Steve thought he wasn't even doing this.  
After Bucky was done, he replaced his razor with another new one, and saved the blades that he had collected. He put them in a little piece of paper towel, and put them under his bed, in the corner closest to the wall.  
Afterwards, he went out to socialise a little, or just lay around, but in a public place.  
Everyone was happy to see him, coming out on his own, unprompted. He stayed silent most of the time, and nobody asked questions, or prodded.  
Steve watched him, all the time when he was out in the open. He worried, but he tried to act Natural, as he watched Bucky. It broke Steve's heart to see his friend in such a state, but he was unsure about how to help him.

For a while after the second incident, most of his days played out the same. He layed around, and at some point, confided in his razors.  
Cut, breath. Cut, breath.  
He thought that he was starting to feel better, little by little, yet every day, he cut himself a little deeper, and his scars healed a little slower.  
But he started to be able to go and sit in the living room for longer, before feeling exhausted. He could even drum up a little casual talk.  
Steve stopped worrying as much, once Bucky was regularly getting out of bed on his own, and talking a little. But Steve still knew that Bucky was not ok yet. And he still kept a watchful eye on him.  
Whenever Bucky smiled at Steve, he internally celebrated, happy that he was making his friend happy. And that happened so often after a week or so, that Steve was starting to think that Bucky was better again.  
But Bucky wasn't, and he knew that. He felt night and day. He would get up, after sleeping in a little. Then he would lay around for close to an hour, before he did his daily self care. He would shower, brush his teeth, cut, and then put on a new sweatshirt.  
It was like clockwork.  
After that, he would continue on with his day. He would go socialize, and find ways to pass the time, slowly draining throughout the day. Over the course of the day, he would realize that it all felt fake, and he knew that he wasn't really happy. He was a shell of a man. Cold hard and empty.  
At the end of his day, he would go to bed a little bit early, and depending on how he felt, he might repeat an echo of his morning routine. Sometimes, he would just brush his teeth, and sometimes he would only shower. Sometimes he wouldn't do either, and sometimes he did both. But he always remembered what helped him feel better. He remembered how it helped him relax, and how it helped him through life.  
He was addicted to seeing his blood, like it was a drug.  
He was thankful that it was still cool outside, so that he could be wearing long sleeves. He would have to find something or somewhere new, before spring sprung.

After almost a month, Bucky was completely used to his new lifestyle, and he decided that if it worked, it worked.  
His cuts were getting so deep that they would take almost a day to close up, nonetheless, not be visible. He had started using most of his energy, either to hide his arms, or to make up excuses to not do things that may leave him wanting to take off his sweatshirt.  
It was nearly March, which meant that it would start getting warm, even though they were in New York.  
Since it was almost March, that meant that his birthday was coming up soon.


	7. Steve (7)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just fluff :D

Bucky had been feeling better, and so Steve assumed that he was ok, or at least getting there. It had only been about a week and a half since Bucky's first incident, and Steve wasn't needing to bring Bucky food and water, to make sure that he was taking care of himself. Steve thought that that was a step up.  
When Bucky wasn't up and around, Steve talked to Bruce and Natasha mostly. Tony spent most of his days in his lab, or running his business.  
Talking to both of them separately, he could tell that Bruce was into Nat, but she didn't know it. Natasha, also seemed to have budding feelings for Bruce, but she also didn't know that either.  
At one point, Steve decided that he had had enough of the guessing, and he wanted an outright answer. So he decided to ask Bruce.  
They had been sitting on chairs in the living room, each of them doing their separate thing, when Steve spoke up  
“Bruce?” he cleared his throat  
“Yes?” Bruce looked up from his laptop, over his glasses  
“Do you…” Steve paused “do you have a thing for Nat?” he hushed his voice a little when he said her name  
Bruce blushed immediately  
“No, why? Do you? Because I'm sure she… has a thing for you.” he looked down a little  
Steve chuckled “well that would be too bad, because I don't have a thing for her.” Steve said, looking back down at the book he was reading.  
Bruce perked up a little at that.  
“Are you sure” Steve asked “that you don't have a thing for her?” He looked at Bruce, and made dead eye contact.  
Bruce sighed, and pushed up his glasses on the bridge of his nose.  
“Maybe I do.” he looked out the window “I don't know.”  
He sounded sad, and Steve wondered why. Steve thought that they would be good for eachother. That they would make eachother happy. He shook his head.  
Later that evening, Bucky was out of his room, and looked to be in a fine mood. Steve was ready to mess around with Nat and Bruce, so he decided to invite everyone to a game of truth or dare. Although unlike him it was, he decided that everyone would have fun, and that he could maybe get them on the same level.  
Everyone decided that it might be fun, and so they all sat down together. Even Tony had come upstairs for a little to play.  
It started with innocent little dares and fun truths, when Steve decided that everybody was ready to spice it up a little.  
He went and got a little alcohol, only enough to make everybody more fun though. Then he decided to make a move.  
“Bruce, truth or dare” he asked. He had earned Bruce's trust, and stolen his sobriety, so he knew that Bruce would choose dare.  
“Dare.” he replied cockily  
“Hmm.” Steve pretended to think “I dare you… to… kiss Natasha” he blurted out the end, with a little excitement.  
Bruce looked a little shocked, and then blushed. Natasha looked to him, and said  
“What are you waiting for?” she too, was a little tipsy, but Steve had figured that she would respond like that, drunk, or no.  
They kissed shyly after a second, and then they both blushed and looked away. Steve knew that they would both remember it in the morning, and that then, they might do something about it.  
Everyone continued playing for a little bit, and just when Steve was ready to turn in, and leave the game, Tony asked him the fatal questions  
“Truth or dare?” Tony asked  
“Why not. Dare.” Steve said. He wasn't drunk, and neither was Bucky, because of their super metabolism, but they were still having fun.  
“I dare you to make out with Bucky.” Tony laughed  
Steve blushed  
“What, i'm sure you guys have done it before. Got a little lonely during the war, felt a little desperate.” Tony laughed, and Bucky laughed along too, but Steve blushed.  
“Ok, I guess,” Steve ran his fingers through his hair before looking at Bucky.  
They made eye contact, and then Bucky leaned in. Steve went along with Bucky and followed his lead.  
As they kissed, Steve felt Bucky bite his lip a little.  
It made Steve feel excited, so he leaned into it a little, and bit back.  
After about ten seconds, they both leaned back. Bucky smiled a little, and Steve blushed a lot. He blushed so hard, that it was clearly visible even in the low lighting.  
Steve bit his lip, when no one was watching.  
For the next few weeks, Steve couldn't keep his eyes off of Bucky. He started watching his every move. One time, when his mind was wandering, as he was watching Bucky, he realised that he thought that Bucky was beautiful. And Steve was puzzled by that feeling. He thought that Bucky was the most beautiful person he had ever met. He wanted to tell Bucky that, but he was worried that he would make Bucky nervous. Steve also, was not sure what these knew feelings were.  
None of the team really knew that Bucky was bisexual, but Natasha guessed it. Bruce and Tony were blind to that, but they wouldn't mind if they knew.  
Bucky was almost completely back to normal now, and Steve's feelings were growing. Until now, he had never thought much about how happy Bucky made him, or how much he secretly loved hugging him. But now, he was starting to feel it. He wanted to hug Bucky all the time, and he wished that he could sit right next to him, and hold his hand. He wished that he could cuddle with Bucky, or even do more than that.  
But he knew that Bucky was not interested in him. Before they moved into the tower, Bucky had dated a guy, and he had also talked to a girl. Neither of the relationships had gotten very far, but Steve worried that Bucky wasn't ready, or into him.  
So Steve suffered in silence, and watched Bucky. He figured that it was just a phase, or that he was having a mid life crisis or something. He hadn't dated in a while. Not since the thirties, if he counted Peggy as dating. If not, then he hadn't dated since before the war, which was also, hardly dating.  
He just passed his feelings off as desperation, and tried to move on, but it was harder every day.  
About three weeks after he and Bucky kissed, Tony and Steve were talking.  
They had been making small talk just about this and that, and Tony brought up Bucky's prosthetic arm, which was almost done.  
“Oh yeah, how has that been going?” Steve asked, genuinely interested  
“Oh it's been fine. It was pretty simple, but the hardest part was making it lightweight.” Tony commented “so… what's up with Bucky?” Tony looked at Steve  
Steve blushed a little, and bit his tongue to try to stop blushing.  
“I dont know?” Steve said, a little fast  
“Oh,” Tony said, slightly raising the pitch of his voice.  
Steve cringed internally. He had definitely noticed.  
“So, has he been dating at all?” Tony asked  
“Uh, I don't think so. Are you interested?” Steve speedily responded  
“Im married,” Tony said, holding up his left hand, and pointing at his ring  
“Oh yeah,” Steve face palmed “sorry, I forgot.”  
Tony shook his head “it sounds like you kids may have something going on.” he wiggled his eyebrows.  
“No,” Steve said nervously “Bucky is bi but i'm not. Well… maybe? I don't know.” Steve was panicking at this point  
“Oh, ok.” Tony said, tauntingly.  
It frustrated Steve and it made him want to say something back. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. Tony laughed at him.  
Steve breathed out of his nose, making a frustrated noise, before speaking again “maybe, but I don't know.” Steve said.  
Tony gave him a look that said, ‘go on’  
“Ok, so since we played truth or dare, I can't stop thinking about him, and looking at him.” he paused to think “he's just so pretty!” Steve sounded a little frustrated “but I don't think that he is interested in me. He hasn't been ignoring me per say, but he has seemed a little more distanced from me. If anything, I think that he might like Nat.” Steve furrowed his brows at the thought. He hadn't thought about that before saying it, but it still came out.  
Tony sighed at Steve's ignorance “well, that would be unfortunate. Nat and Bruce clearly have a thing for each other-”  
“Exactly!” Steve interrupted  
“-Anyways, I think that maybe Bucky Is just trying to become closer to some other people besides you. You two are still young. What's at risk, if you tell him how you feel?”  
Steve put his hand on his chin, as though he was deep in thought.  
“But-” Steve started  
“But what?” Tony asked  
“But what If he doesn't like me?”  
“Well,” Tony reassured him “you'll get over him eventually, and that will be that.”   
Steve didn't like that answer. He let out a breath from his nose. But Bucky was still in his mind. His beautiful hair, and his sweet smile. A smile teased Steve's lips.  
“What are you smiling about, dopey?” Tony asked him, laughing a little  
“Oh, nothing” Steve replied, trying to pull his face back to normal  
“Yeah whatever.” Tony said, smiling a little. “I have to go get Pepper soon. We have a meeting, and she’ll kill me if I'm late.” he stood up and walked to the door, but hesitated with his hand on the frame  
“Think on it, ok?” Tony said  
He left before Steve could respond


	8. Steve (8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff! :P

After a few days, Steve had to turn his attention to figuring out Bucky's birthday. It was almost March, so he had about two weeks.  
It was so hard for him though, because whenever he would think about Bucky, he couldn't wipe his dopey smile off his face.  
Steve decided that he would ask Bucky to go with him to do something, and then tell Bucky his feelings. But he wanted to do that before Bucky's birthday, so he had to do it soon. He knew that Bucky had no plans, so hopefully it wouldn't be a problem if he sprung it on him, from out of nowhere.  
Bucky most likely would not want to leave, or go somewhere public. Generally Bucky didn't like going out with other people to super social places. But Steve didn't know why. All he knew was that it was true, and he respected that.  
He wrote his ideas down on a sheet of paper, to help him remember. He had been adding them over the past few days since he and Tony had talked. His sheet read:

On a walk or run  
While at the gym or something  
At lunch?  
Feels too date-y  
Maybe I could just ask him?  
Pool?  
Just ask him to talk?  
???

He didn't know what to do. He knew that Bucky had not been being very physically active recently, so he thought the first two were a bad idea. He crossed them both out. He felt like inviting him to go to the pool with him, might be weird. So he crossed that out. He was left with the idea of ‘just asking him’ which was not very helpful. He crumpled up the sheet of paper, and through it away.  
“Ugh, why is this so hard?” he gripped his pace and looked up, exasperated.  
“Why is what so hard?” he heard a voice ask from behind him  
Steve blushed, and turned around slowly, to see Bucky standing at the other side of the room. He was wearing black sweatpants, and a black sweatshirt. The v-neck of the sweatshirt hung low enough for Steve to know that Bucky wasn't wearing a shirt underneath it. That made Steve blush even harder.  
It was still a little bit early, so Bucky looked a little tired. His cheeks were flush, and his hair was wet. It hung next to his jaw very nicely.  
“Oh uh, nothing.” Steve replied after a second, sheepishly.  
“Ok.” Bucky said. He slid across the room on his socks, and pulled up to Steve, by the counter. “Whats up?” Bucky asked, getting himself a glass of water.  
Steve felt his heart beating in his chest. He knew that this would be a good time to ask him something. His thoughts were moving a mile a minute, as he thought of different things he could ask or say.  
“Nothing much. I was wondering…” he paused  
“What?” Bucky asked  
“If you wanted to hand out today, and talk or something. We could stay here, or we could go out. Whatever you want. If you want.” Steve shook his head at his awkwardness.  
“Uhm, sure I guess…” Bucky said  
“Oh, well if you don't want to we don't have to though,” Steve replied quickly, getting nervous.  
They both heard the elevator doors open, and Natasha and Bruce stepped out of the elevator, talking.  
“No,” Bucky laughed a little “I was just thinking, would I want to leave, or stay in.” he paused “I'll get back to you on that one.”  
Steve let out a sigh of relief, as he nodded, and then walked back into the living room, and sat down in an armchair.  
Nat and Bruce sat down on the couch, on opposite sides.  
“What were you two up to?” Natasha asked  
“I could ask you the same?” Steve replied smartly, smirking at Natasha  
She scoffed “you first.”  
“Well, I was just inviting Buck to hang out later, because we haven't been talking as much recently.” Steve replied  
Natasha looked at Bucky and smirked a little, making Steve nervous.  
Bucky looked up from what he was doing, and smiled at Natasha, as he walked into the living room, and settled on the other armchair.  
Steve was starting to get a little nervous. What if they did like each other. Steve could read a room, and there was clearly something happening.  
“Ok, what about you two?” Steve asked, hoping to loosen some of the tension that he felt, even though he was the only one feeling it.  
“We were just training a little.” Natasha said “we need to keep sharp, you know?” Bruce had already settled into a science magazine, so he wasn't paying much attention to the conversation.  
“Yeah, ok.” Steve replied, giving her the ‘what-for’.  
She giggled a little, and ignored him, getting up to go make some tea.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No tags today? (Im posting these all in quick succession, so im just barely skimming over. Ive had these written for nearly three months already, I just keep forgetting to post!)  
> anyways :^|)

A few days prior to Steve asking him to hang out, Bucky had been talking to Natasha. She had mentioned something about how she thought that maybe Steve was into Bucky, and that she was always right. Bucky had insisted that Steve couldn't be into him.  
Bucky had thought that maybe he liked Steve, but he wasn't sure.  
But when Steve had asked him to hang out, he had been ecstatic.  
Now though, he had to decide whether he wanted to go out, or stay in. He listened to Steve and Nat talk casually, occasionally laughing about one thing or the other. The whole time though, he had been trying to think what he wanted to do. He wanted to do something where he could stay in a hoodie. Maybe they could go walk downtown? Maybe as a throwback to when they lived alone together? They had always enjoyed doing that together.  
He considered his options, and then landed on the idea that they could go to an art museum or something like that.  
When a Natural lul in the conversation hit, Bucky seized his chance and entertained the idea  
“Hey Steve, what about the art museum? It probably won't be busy because it's a week day and all, so then we could go out?” Bucky asked a little quietly  
“Sure, that sounds good!” Steve smiled “when should we go?”  
“Oh uh, I've got nothing planned,” Bucky laughed “you know me.”  
“Ok, well I have to get ready before we can go, so how about I'll just go and get ready, so we can head out in like an hour or so.” Steve suggested  
“Ok!” Bucky chirped, all too cheerfully, and put his hand over his mouth, as Steve walked out the door to their room.  
“I told you so,” Natasha said, once Steve was out of earshot.  
“Ok, maybe,” Bucky said, pushing his hair behind his ear.  
“What's going on?” Bruce asked, clueless as to what had just gone down.  
Tony arrived out of the elevator, with pepper, and they came and sat down on the couch together. Pepper started reading, and Tony tuned into the current conversation.  
“What's happening, Bruce,” Nat said slightly aggressively “is that Steve totally likes Bucky”  
Bucky blushed and looked out the window  
“I knew it!” Tony said, pumping his fist, that wasn't holding Pepper's hand.  
“Wait really?” Bruce shook his head, as though to make sure that this was real  
“Oh for sure,” Nat and Tony said, basically in unison.  
Bucky couldn't stop blushing, as everyone looked at him. “What?” he shrugged, as he used his thumbs to hold his sleeves at his hands “I didn't do it on purpose,” he laughed a little, looking away.  
That made everybody else laugh.  
Pepper had been listening in a little, so she spoke up “well, do you like him back?” she asked, intrigued.  
“Uhm,” he giggled nervously. He didn't like that they were all looking at him. They all wanted something from him, but he couldn't give it to them  
He didn't know if he liked Steve or not.  
“Lets just say,” he paused “If he asked me out, I wouldn't say no”  
Everyone smiled, satisfied with that answer.  
They all went back to doing their own thing after that. Bruce read his science magazine. Natasha sipped her tea, and closed her eyes, appreciating the sunlight. Pepper read, while holding Tony's hand. Tony had his head resting on Pepper's shoulder, with his eyes closed. Bucky sat in his chair, and a smile lingered on his lips, as he sat, looking out the window.  
Eventually Steve walked back into the living room. His hair was combed nicely into place, and was still a little damp. He was wearing a pleasant sweater that matched his eyes.  
He had dressed up, but only a little.  
Nat and Tony exchanged looks. Bucky blushed a little.  
“Ok Im ready”  
“Alright, let me go get my shoes.” Bucky got up and walked to his room. Steve sat down in the chair that Bucky had been sitting in, as Natasha and Tony put their faces into neutral.  
“How do I look?” Steve asked, hoping that anyone would answer, not really caring who. Natasha snickered a little, and Tony laughed. Bruce was, yet again, wrapped into his magazine so he didn't care.  
“Oh come on, you too,” Pepper scolded, “you look fine Steve.” she reassured.  
Steve let out a sigh of relief, and brushed off the front of his shirt a little. “What are you two laughing about?” Steve said, feeling his stomach start acting up. He was really nervous.  
“Oh nothing,” Tony said, with a smirk on his face, “just a boy not realising that I am right.”   
Steve crossed his arms, as his face turned red. Tony laughed again, trying to stay quiet. Natasha smiled a little.  
Bucky walked back in, ready to go. He hadn't changed or anything, though it looked like he had put a shirt on under his sweatshirt, and then put on some shoes.  
He looked at Steve, and then nodded in his direction. Steve stood up, and headed for the door, and Bucky followed behind, smiling.  
“Good luck,” Natasha whispered to him, as he walked past.  
Once Steve and Bucky had left, Natasha and Tony made a face at each other, and moved on with their day.

On the elevator, it was a little bit awkward, so Steve decided to break the silence.  
“So, we're going to the art museum?” he said timidly  
“Uh yeah. How do we want to get there? We could taxi, or metro, or walk, but the walk would be a little long.” Bucky replied, also a bit nervous.  
Steve though for a moment before coming to a conclusion.  
“Maybe we could metro?” he paused, looking straight forward at the wall. “Would that be ok?”  
“Yeah sounds good.”   
The elevator stopped and they both walked out, keeping their distance.  
They walked out the door, and took a second to evaluate what train they would need to get out, and what route to follow.  
Once they did that, they walked and talked a little. Steve complimented Bucky's outfit, which made him blush. Bucky returned the compliment, and then they were both embarrassed.  
Once they got to the train, Steve paid for both of them using his card, and then they went to wait for their train. It was busy. Bucky heard the people talking on their phones, anda group of street performers about thirty feet behind him. People were walking fast, and time seemed to slow down. He felt his heart beat, and heard it in his ears. He was standing close to Steve so that they didn't take up too much space.  
Bucky grabbed Steve's arm, as though to get him to wait, but neither of them were moving.  
Steve looked down at Bucky, feeling him grab him for stability, or comfort. He didn't mind, and he figured it was helping Bucky stay grounded, so he let him do it. Steve knew that Bucky didn't like the loud, chaotic atmosphere of the underground, as people bustled by.  
Soon after, their train pulled up, and they got on. They both stood, holding on to one of the poles in the middle of the car, that was packed full. Bucky kept one hand on the pole for balance, and the other hand on Steve.  
Steve noticed that it was his human hand that was on him, not that it made a big difference. It was just something he noticed.  
After a few minutes of jerky metro riding, they got off. Neither of them said anything until they got out of the station, and we're back in the outside streets, feeling the sun on their faces.  
On the short walk from the station, to the museum they discussed what they thought the exhibits might be, and what they would want to see.  
Bucky had picked out the art museum so that he could get out of the tower, and Steve could enjoy it.  
The art museum was not very busy. They didn't have to wait in line. Steve bought the tickets for both of them, and grabbed a map. They started walking, and first they went to look at ‘contemporary art’.  
“I feel like art has declined, when I look at modern art.” Bucky chuckled, looking at a 20x20 canvas, with a huge red shape in the middle, and a few black lines.  
“Yeah,” Steve laughed a little. “Back in my day,” Steve started in a funny voice.  
After walking around and chit chatting a little, they migrated to the classic greek art exhibit.   
Bucky watched Steve as he admired the beauty of the statues and vases. It made Bucky want to hold his hand, and watch him focus on the art. He wanted to stay with him forever.  
“Hey Steve?” Bucky said timidly  
Steve felt his heart start pounding. He had been putting off talking to Bucky about what was going on. He knew that Bucky felt it too.  
“Yeah?” Steve said, looking at Bucky, as they slowly strolled, occasionally stopping to let Steve look at the details.  
“Whats going on?” Bucky asked “it seems like something is on your mind?” Bucky looked up at Steve, who was looking at a scantily clad statue.  
“Youre better at this than I am…” Steve laughed a little “I don't know how to put this, but…” Steve trailed off, his cheeks turning pink “I think I like you.” Steve looked away as he said that, feeling nervous.  
All he received was silence, so he looked back at Bucky. He was bearing a humble amount of blush, and he looked a little shocked.  
“Since we played truth or dare a few weeks ago, I've just felt my feelings growing for you. At first I wasn't sure what to do about it. Tony noticed, and told me to do something about it and-”  
“Yeah I know” Bucky interrupted “the other day, Natasha told me that you liked me. I told her that I wasn't so sure, and she just shook her head and told me that I was clueless. Earlier, while you were getting ready, Tony and Nat totally flipped out, and said they ‘called it’’’ Bucky said, putting up air quotes.  
“So… do you like me?” Steve asked cautiously  
Bucky nodded timidly after a second.   
A smile spread across Steve's face, and as it did, Bucky started smiling too.  
“Can I hold your hand?” Bucky asked quietly.  
Steve grabbed Bucky's human hand, and smiled, as they interlaced fingers. They walked around the museum like that, Steve paying mild attention to the art, and Bucky putting his full attention on Steve. Bucky leaned into Steve, while continuing to hold hands. They didn't talk much, but they were both happy with what had happened. It was calm, and nice.  
After almost an hour, Steve looked down at Bucky, slumped onto his side, smiling.  
“Are you ready to go home?” Steve asked “everyone *cough Nat and Tony cough* will feel very proud of themselves”  
“We might as well face the music, right?” Bucky smiled up at Steve. Bucky felt like he melted a little inside everytime Steve looked him in the eyes.  
They walked hand in hand, happy out of the art museum. Once they walked out the door, a cold breeze hit them like a wall. They moved closer together, and made the commute home, never letting go of eachother.


	10. Steve (10)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff! ;^>

Steve knew that he and Bucky would take heat the second they stepped through the door. But it might not be bad, he thought.   
The elevator dinged letting them know that they had reached the floor. Steve squeezed Bucky's hand gently. They had decided together that they would tell everyone later, so Steve let Bucky's hand fall to his side, and then Bucky took a step away from him.  
Steve's hand felt cold and empty without Bucky's hand filling it.  
The door opened, and Bucky walked through first, followed by Steve. Bruce was the only one sitting on the common floor. They presumed that Tony was in the basement and Nat was training or in her room. Pepper spent most of her time working, or staying in her and Tony's area of the tower. Bucky went straight to their room, while Steve sat down on a chair.  
“So,” Bruce said, not looking up from his research on his computer, “how’d it go?”  
“Well,” Steve thought “I think it went well”  
“That's good.” Bruce said “Nat told me that you have a thing for Bucky.”  
“Interesting.” Steve said monotone “well, in that case, lets just say…” he trailed off as Bucky walked back in “she knows her stuff.” Bruce raised his eyebrows at that comment.  
Bucky chuckled, and sat in the armchair that was next to Steves. There was a small side table between the two chairs, but that didn't bother them.  
Steve's left hand was casually resting on the table. He had chosen the seat that was on the right of the table, so that if Bucky wanted to hold hands, they could hold human hands.  
Bucky put his hand on top of Steves. It was a small gesture but it made Steve happy. Bruce looked over and saw him sitting like this, opening his book, with one hand on the table. His hand was on top of Steve's hand, who was sitting there, smiling a little with his eyes closed serenely.  
The two of them stayed like that for a while, Bucky reading, and Steve relaxing. But after a few minutes, Natasha and Tony came out of the elevator together. They had been working together, unfolding god knows what plan. When they walked into the room, Bucky raised his eyebrow, as Tony shouted.  
“I knew it!” he said “I called it, and I would just like to say that I take credit for at least 12 percent of this!”  
Natasha just walked over to the couch, and sat down. She too, had a smug look on her face.  
After Tony had calmed down, he walked over and sat down. He crossed his legs, and put his elbow on his knee. He propped his chin on his palm, and leaned forward a little.  
“So, you two,” he paused expectantly “do you have anything to say to us?” He smiled a little.   
“About what?” Steve said leaning forward a little, and opening his eyes.  
Tony made a face at him, with ‘you know what i’m talking about’ written all over it.  
“Oh this?” Steve said haughtily, looking at Bucky's hand on top of his. Bucky giggled a little, over his antics.  
Tony, Bruce, and Natasha had never seen Bucky look this happy. He had always seemed so tense and serious, so his giggling was a change for the better.   
Steve too, seemed a bit happier. He looked more relaxed, and peaceful. He, so far, had proved to be more prone to joking around.  
“Bucky, would you care to explain?” Steve asked, joking around a little.  
“Ok,” Bucky laughed “Well, we went to the museum, and talked. Then we looked at art, and then talked a little more. After that, he fell madly in love with me, and here we are.” Bucky shrugged, and smiled  
The rest of the team, but Steve were laughing. Steve was blushing a little, feeling embarrassed.  
“Your blushing!” Tony exclaimed “that means it's true!”  
“Oh, one hundred percent!” Bucky laughed.  
He had not really engaged very much in conversation. It seemed that Steve was a crucial part of breaking him out of his shell. Steve had helped him break through one more of his hydra ‘safe guards’.  
After a little while, the teasing Steve had died down, and people were talking more calmly. Bucky had stopped talking as much, but he had also put down his book, so he was paying attention, at least a little.  
Once it was late in the evening, he gently tapped Steve's hand, and excused himself for the night.  
Steve stayed for only a little while longer, before he too went to bed.


	11. Bucky (11)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw my heart melted re-writing this... Anyways, no tags?

Bucky had turned the lights almost all the way down, so it was dark, but he could still read. It was warm, because it was almost spring. He took off his sweatshirt, because he thought Steve wouldn't turn in for a while.  
It was the first night in almost a month, where his routine consisted only of him brushing his teeth and putting on new sweats.  
When Steve came in, it came to Bucky as a surprise. Steve quietly opened the door, to keep from waking him up, if he was asleep. Once Steve realized that the lights were still on, he put a little less care into being quiet.  
When he came in, he saw Bucky sitting in his bed, tucked away in the corner of his room. It looked like Bucky had been reading, but he had closed his book.  
It was dark in the room. If he was not a super soldier, he wouldn't be able to read in this lighting.  
“What are you doing Buck?” Steve asked quietly, as he walked into the middle of the room.  
“Oh, not much. What are you doing? I thought you would stay up longer.” Bucky responded softly, feeling the urge to stand up. He wanted to get up and kiss Steve. It was a combination of the lighting, and the quiet talking, that put him in a cozy mood.  
“Oh yeah, well… I prefer being with you.” Steve responded, as Bucky stood up, setting his book down on his night stand.  
Bucky softly stepped towards Steve. The few steps he took were full of yearning. It felt like he had never walked slower. He kept his eyes on Steve's light blue ones. Once there was only a few inches between them, and Bucky could hear Steve's breath, he rested his arms on Steve's chest, and felt his heart beating under his arm.  
Steve looked down at Bucky, and grabbed his arms, pulling him closer gently. He lightly slid his hands down Bucky's arms, and felt the scars and lines on them. His hands were on Bucky's elbows, and he could feel Bucky's desire, from his pose, to his gentle breaths, to the way he was looking at him, Steve knew that Bucky was the one.  
“You are perfect.” Steve whispered gently, as he leaned in to kiss him.  
As their lips met, Bucky felt the world crashing down by his feet. He had never felt so perfect before. He had everything that he needed in the world, and everything was right. In Steve's warm embrace, he felt safe from everything that could be wrong.  
He felt bliss.  
When they pulled out of the slow, gentle kiss, Bucky looked up at Steve. Never had he seen someone so be tender to him. It made Bucky feel warm inside.  
He gently moved his arms down to Steve's waist, and Steve looked down, a little confused.  
Bucky walked back slowly, pulling Steve with him. Bucky sat down on his bed, and Steve sat down recognizing the invitation.  
Bucky gently wrapped his arms around Steve's shoulders. He laid down, and took Steve with him. Bucky being the big spoon, and Steve the little spoon, the cuddled. Bucky gently caressed Steve's head with his right hand, while keeping Steve wrapped in his left arm.  
Steve fell asleep quickly, with Bucky still massaging his head. Bucky smiled, a little, as he laid his head down, ready for sleep.  
He quietly told the AI in the room to turn off the light. And so, as the room descended into the darkness, the men descended into a dreamless sleep.

Bucky woke up with the sun shining through the windows. He looked at his clock, and saw that it was about seven. Steve might be waking up soon.  
Neither of them had moved much in their sleep, so Steve still laid comfortably in Bucky's arms. He began to gently caress Steve's head again, hoping not to wake him up.  
Bucky moved himself closer, gently, so he could rest his head on Steve's neck. He wanted to be as close to him as he could.  
After laying that way for a few minutes, Steve awoke, but he didn't stir. He didn't want anything to change. He could hear Bucky's steady breathing, softly next to his ear. He stayed still for a little while, not daring to breathe too loud, as to not scare Bucky. Eventually though, he sighed out of contentment. Bucky moved his head up, to see if Steve was awake.  
“No, put it back, that was comfortable” Steve barely whispered, but Bucky heard. He put his head back, and smiled a little.  
Steve moved his arm, so that Buckys was right on top of his, and held his metal hand. It pinched a little at first, but he shifted, and got used to the feeling of holding a metal hand. It wasn't as warm or soft as a real one, but he loved it just as much as he loved holding Bucky's real hand. It was still him. It was just another different thing to appreciate, and know.  
They laid like that for a long time.  
“Shoot!” Steve exclaimed suddenly  
Bucky shot up into a sitting position.  
“What!” Bucky said, startled out of his relaxed state.  
“Shh, it's ok” Steve soothed Bucky, and coaxed him to lie back down “I just realised that I have stuff to do today. I am going to train with Nat.” Steve looked over his shoulder at Bucky, who was still alarmed, but laying down.  
“I should get up to get ready soon," Steve said softly.  
Bucky pouted a little.  
“Oh don't do that Buck,” Steve rolled over, and hugged Bucky. "I didn't know that we would be together-” he paused and started feeling nervous “wait, are we together?” he asked timidly.  
“Uh-huh” Bucky said, nuzzling into Steve's embrace.  
Steve sighed a smile. "I'm sorry, but I have to get up.”  
He didn't get up. He and Bucky kept holding each other, and it was bliss. Steve wasn't sure if he had ever been happier.


	12. Steve (12)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None again... Mostly fluff, and a little in the feels.

Eventually he had to pull himself away from Bucky, and he got ready for training. He showered, and came out of the bathroom, only wearing a towel around his waist.  
He walked out, and saw that Bucky was still laying in bed. He had fallen asleep. Steve smiled looking at Bucky's silent slumber.  
He started changing clothes, putting on comfortable clothes for sparring, when he tripped and stumbled.  
“Shit,” he said, immediately covering his mouth after he had spoken.  
But Bucky had been woken up.  
He opened his eyes to see Steve standing in front of him, wearing shorts, and no shirt, covering his mouth, looking at him. He smiled.  
“What are you doing stevie?”  
“Im sorry, I didn't want to wake you up.”  
“It's ok,” Bucky slid out of bed and stood up. He pulled his hair into a bun, and went over to his closet, and pulled on a sweatshirt.  
Steve panicked internally. Bucky was so pretty all the time. His hair was still messy, and strands of it had already escaped the bun, when he pulled on his hoodie.  
“What are you lookin’ at?” Bucky eyed Steve up and down.  
Steve blushed, because Bucky had caught him staring.  
“You,” he replied quietly, “you're so pretty.” his blush intensified  
“Thank you,” Bucky asked, walking over towards Steve, hugging him, in all of his shirtlessness.  
Steve hugged him back. He could tell that Bucky was in a very cuddly mood today, and perhaps always. But Steve liked it. Alot.  
He decided that he wanted to pull a move, because he needed to go. He reached down, and scooped Bucky up.  
“Wha-” Bucky said confused, as he was lifted off the ground.  
Steve held him, supporting his butt and back. Bucky put his hands on Steve's shoulders, and put his legs around Steves back.  
Steve smiled, and kissed Bucky, softly, before carrying him over to Bucky's bed. When he got there, he knelt down, and put Bucky on the bed. He turned around, grabbed his shirt off his bed, and walked out the door, without pulling it on.  
Only once he was out the door, and he had closed it, did he stop to put his shirt on. He smiled, as he walked into the main room.  
He saw Natasha sitting on an armchair, sipping her tea.  
“What took you so long?” she said, standing up  
“Oh, I slept in a little, sorry.” Steve smiled  
“Sure.”

Training was rigorous, like every day. Lots of sparring, lots of practise. Natasha always knew new things to pull on him. She had so many moves that he had never heard of, that he had to learn. He had to know how to perform them, and how to dodge and escape them.  
She didn't let him use his shield in lots of the training either. She wanted him to get more practise in general hand to hand combat, no weapons, accessories, or tools.  
And somehow, even though he had superhuman strength, she always won. It proved that he needed the practice.  
Steve had been in superhero retirement for a long time, so he was also rusty. He wanted to start ‘hero-ing’ again, and go on patrol. He at least wanted to be ready for a fight, if he found one necessary.  
He found himself getting lost in thought though, which wasn’t helping him either.  
Natasha had him pinned, for what felt like the fiftieth time. He had lost count.  
She slapped him, hard across the face  
“Hey lover boy. Wanna pay attention? If you're not gonna focus on this, I'm not gonna help you train. If you want to take a break, or if you need to talk, I'm all ears. I don't want to waste my time and energy, on, whatever this is though.” she said gesturing to him. She sounded irritated.  
“I'm sorry, can we take five? I need to clear my mind.”   
She got off of him, and walked over to the bench against the wall.  
Steve followed, sat down, and drank some water.  
They sat in silence for a minute, and did not speak. Natasha could tell though, that something was on Steve's mind.  
“Is there something on your mind? You wanna talk about it?” she said, keeping a neutral tone. She couldn't tell if it was something good or bad, so her assumption was that there was a little of both.  
Steve sighed “I don't know. There is so much that happened yesterday. So much good” he paused and smiled for a second, but it quickly turned to a frown “and some bad too.”  
“Want to unpack it a little?” Natasha leaned it towards him.  
“Well,” he paused “It went so well yesterday,” he smiled a pure smile. It made Natashas cold hard shell melt a little on the outside. She always kept a serious facade, but this couldn't be held in.  
“We were a little awkward at first, and we didn't talk much. Then I told him that I like him. He said he knew, and you had told him that.” Steve chuckled a little  
“Oops,” Nat said, not sounding sorry at all  
“After that,” he continued with a bashful smile “we walked around holding hands. We didn't let go, until we got out of the elevator back home. But we didn't stay apart for long. Just long enough to decide if we wanted to tell you guys.”  
“So what's the bad?” she felt bad for reminding him of whatever it was.  
Steve frowned “well, last night when I went to bed, he was in his pajamas, reading on his bed.” he paused “he stood up, and I guess he thought I couldn't see it, because it was dark.” he hesitated, and Natasha gave him a reassuring nod.  
“Well,” Steve started tearing up “he's been doing it again Nat. He's been hurting himself.” he put his head in his palms, and let out a quiet sobF  
Natasha slid closer to him, and put her arm around his shoulders. She knew how much it hurt Steve to see that the first time a month ago. And they weren't even together at that time.  
“I can't imagine how that made you feel.” she cooed empathetically.  
“And,” Steve sniffed through tears “there was so much, it was all over his arm. Some of them looked older, and some newer. They were all so deep, some of them were not scratches, or healing, they were scars,” that was all he could muster before breaking out into sobs again.  
He leaned into her shoulder, and rested his head on her.  
She gently caressed his back. She felt bad for both of them. But that was not a good way to explain how she felt. It hurt so deeply. Like She had been stabbed in the heart, metaphorically. It felt much different when it actually happened.  
She and Steve sat on the bench for almost five more minutes, before he was done crying. He was still shaking though.  
“Thank you Nat.” he said quietly  
“Any time,” she said  
“No, really, thank you. I have no clue what I would have done if I couldn't get that out of my system.”  
“Your welcome. Do you want to call the rest of this training off? I wont think any lower of you than I already do.” she joked  
“Sure,” he sniffed, standing up.  
They both grabbed their water bottles, and walked out of the training room, and into the elevator.  
“Friday, can you take us to the common floor?” Nat asked  
“Sure” the AI responded  
“You ok, Steve?”  
“Yeah, do I look ridiculous?”  
“No, but I wouldn't loiter in the common room, if you don't want people to know that you were crying.”  
“Ok” Steve wiped his eyes.  
“You could say that I hit you so hard that you cried. Or you could put your shirt over your head, and say that you got a black eye.”   
Steve chuckled at that.  
“I'm sorry,” Steve said “for getting all emotional around you.”  
“It happens, it's ok” she reassured him. She gently rubbed his shoulder, before the elevator dinged, and the door opened. They both went to their rooms, at a leisurely pace, but not hesitating in the common room.  
Steve went and rinsed off quickly, and changed. Before going back to the living area, he quickly checked, to make sure that it didn't look like he had been crying.  
It didn't, so he was fine. He went to the main room, where he found Bucky cooking. He smiled, and Bucky smiled back at him.  
“What are you up to?” Steve asked Bucky  
“I'm making fluffy waffles!” he grinned, like a child  
Steve walked around the bar to the kitchen, and he wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist. It made both of them smile.  
“You need any help with that?” Steve asked  
“Sure, you could make whipped cream, and cut up fruit, while I man the waffle maker”  
“Ok” and Steve got to work.   
Natasha got up from her seat at a chair, and sat down at a bar stool.  
“You two sure are bundles of smiles today, aren't you?” she asked, poking fun at them. She looked right at Steve and wiggled her eyebrows.  
They both laughed at her comment.  
Bruce got up, and walked over to the bar. Most of the time, he was on his computer, or reading a science magazine, but recently he had started to interact with them all more.  
He sat so that there was an empty stool between him and Natasha, which Steve thought was funny. He held in his laugh.  
They all talked and laughed, Bruce chiming in occasionally, but mostly watching.  
Once Steve was done with the whipped cream, and he had washed and diced some strawberries, and pulled out the blueberries, he was done with his job. He was at the counter behind Bucky, when he put his finger over his mouth.  
Natasha and Bruce both saw, and watched intently.  
Steve took the whisk that he had used to stir the whipped cream, and scooped out a dollop of the cream, and put it on his hand. He set the whisk down, and snuck up behind Bucky.  
All in one swift move, he wrapped one arm around Bucky's stomach, pulling him in for a hug, and put his other hand on Bucky's face, getting whipped cream, all over his face.  
“Fuck!” Bucky jumped and shouted, when everyone else was laughing at him.  
Bucky started laughing, and Steve let him go.  
“God damnit, Steve, you scared me shitless!” he laughed   
Steve was doubled over in laughter, tears streaming down his face.  
Bucky wiped off his face with his hands in a seemingly innocent way, but then he gently slapped Bruce and Natasha over the counter with whipped cream.  
Nat shouted, with a smile on her face.  
“Oh no!” Bruce exclaimed, laughing when they had been ‘pied’  
“You two knew about it and didn't warn me!” Bucky laughed  
Then he picked up the whisk, and scooped some whipped cream out from the inside. Steve was on the floor, on his back like a turtled-turtle.  
Bucky got on his knees next to Steve, and brought his hand down on Steve's face slowly, rubbing in the cream, and cackling maniacally. Then, with whipped cream still on his face, Bucky stood up, and washed his hands in the sink.  
“I think I won, because I creamed the most people, but it's ok, you don't have to bow down to me or anything. I rule fairly.” Bucky laughed  
Then they all heard a beep come from the waffle maker  
“Shit,” Bucky said, under his breath. He wiped his hands off on his pants, and grabbed the handles on the waffle maker, and spun them to flip them over.  
Everyone laughed, and washed the whipped cream off of their faces and hands.   
After a little bit, they had a heaping pile of waffles, syrup, a huge bowl of whipped cream, and a big bowl of cut up fruit.  
“Should we invite Tony and Pepper and ask them if they want to come?” Bucky asked “I made enough, for in case they do come.”  
“Sure,” Steve said “hey Friday, If Tony and pepper are awake, could you tell them that we're having waffles, and they can come and have some with us?”  
“Sure” the AI responded  
“For now,” Steve said “let's dig in!” so they all grabbed plates, silverware, and napkins from the kitchen, and made their plates.

After about five minutes of eating, and casual talk, Tony and Pepper came down through the elevator, and sat with them to eat. They seamlessly fit in with the group, just more people to chat with.  
After a little bit, it was casually brought up that Tony was almost done with Bucky's arm, and that it was nearly done being out together. He said that, with a day of hard work, it could be done by tomorrow.  
“So, do you want to come down with me and check it out, after breakfast is done?” Tony asked Bucky  
“Sure” he replied sounding glad  
“Ok, we can take a look at it together, and you can tell me if anything needs to be done before we finalise it.”  
“Awesome!” Bucky smiled, and looked over to Steve.  
Steve and Bucky were sitting next to each other, each of them, soaking in the other's presence. They were happy to just be near each other.  
Steve gently bumped Bucky's knee with his own under the table, in a flirty manner. Bucky's grin doubled in size, as he continued to eat his huge pile of waffles, listening to everybody speak.  
It made Steve happy to see Bucky this happy, even though he knew that he was sad underneath. The thought if it stole the smile off of his face. What if Bucky wasn't as happy as he seemed, Steve wondered. What if he did all of this just to make Steve feel better?  
He shook off the idea. He knew that he needed to talk to Bucky about what he had seen last night. He would talk to him about it today. He also needed to figure out what he wanted to do for Bucky, for his birthday. He had a lot he needed to do.


	13. Bucky (13)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood, bleeding out (symptoms that resemble a panic attack), nightmares, and cutting

After breakfast, he excused himself from the table with a smile. Being with Steve made him so happy, but he knew that it was all temporary. His happiness faded away, once Steve was out of sight. He felt awful because of it.  
He felt like he was using Steve like he was a drug. He worried that the only reason he had started dating him, was because he was the source of his happiness. He felt fake.  
‘You are using him’ the soldier told him ‘You are lying, and abusing him. You're not actually feeling it. He is just another thing to suck the serotonin out of, before it runs dry’  
Bucky shook his head. He didn't want to believe it. He cleared his dish, and went to his room, as the soldier went on.  
‘You deserve to hurt. He is actually a good guy, and you don't deserve him.’  
It echoed around his mind. He deserved to hurt, he didn't deserve Steve.  
When he got to his room, he knew he deserved to hurt. He wanted to make himself hurt, and get what he deserved.  
He pulled his blades out from his bed, and put marks into his skin. But this time was different than the last times he had. He cried. He knew that he deserved to hurt, so he made it hurt. He went at his arm like a savage, no rhyme or reason to what he was doing. It was beyond therapeutic, it was torture.  
The blood dripped down his arm, in heaps. He had to get towels from the bathroom to wipe it up. When he could take no more hurt, he laid on his bed. He crossed his arms, and cried, as he gripped each elbow with his other hand. Facing the wall, and blocking out the world, was his best way of pretending that nothing had happened. That he was just like anyone else.  
Holding his arms crossed, he felt the blood drip still, minutes after it was done. But he could feel the cuts healing too. His tears slowly dried, as he fell into a troubled sleep.

‘You are the asset. You deserve this.’  
He felt a shock  
‘You are the asset.’  
He felt a shock, but longer this time.  
‘Who are you’  
‘I don't know…”  
A shock so bad he passed out from pain.  
When he woke up, he hadn’t moved  
He felt another shock. He was used to the pain.  
A shock.  
Sobs  
Shock  
Pain  
Darkness  
‘Who are you?’  
‘The asset?’  
‘Good’

Bucky woke up again, crying, feeling his damp arms, face and back. One from blood, tears, and sweat.  
He felt relaxed for a moment, glad he was out of that dream. But quickly, reality hit hard. He was disgusting.  
Covered in blood.  
He looked at his arm. It was mangled. Some of the cuts were healing, or on their way there, but most of them were still bleeding out.  
He wondered how long he had been asleep. Normally they would already be done bleeding after only a few minutes.  
He rolled over and checked his alarm clock.  
11:46.  
He had slept for almost a half hour.  
He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Why was he still bleeding? This had to be one awful dream.  
He stood up, and stumbled to the bathroom. He suddenly felt hot and clammy, and he wanted to puke.  
His first thought though, was to rinse off. He thought that maybe cooling down would help him from falling into a full blown panic.  
Light headed, he ripped off both of his shirts, roughly pulling them both over his head. He turned the water on aggressively, and started to work his pants off.  
Once he was stripped, he got into the water, which felt nearly freezing. He thought that he was going to faint, and quickly, he put his hand out towards the wall for support. Dots started appearing before his eyes, and quickly all his vision was gone. Just before it had completely left, he lowered himself onto the ground, where he curled up, leaning against the wall, with the water falling onto his skin.

He opened his eyes, and couldn't see much. It was bright, and he could see Steve's face above him.  
As his eyelids slowly closed, he took his final efforts, to tuck his arm to where Steve couldn't be able to see it. He didn't want to make him upset.  
He felt Steve grab his arm and pull it out, but Bucky was too weak to fight back.  
“I'm ok, Stevie” he whispered before passing out again.


	14. Steve (14)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for blood and cuts

Bucky hadn't been out of the room in a while, so Steve went in to check on him. He had been in there for almost an hour and a half.  
Worst case, he thought, was that Bucky was asleep, and he woke him up on accident.  
He went in, and did not see Bucky. He saw Bucky's sweatshirt, and shirt, just outside of the open bathroom door.  
“Buck? You ok?” he asked, letting Bucky know that he was there.  
He didn't get a response, which worried him. He heard the shower on, so he called out again.  
“Bucky? You in there?”  
No response.  
He turned the corner into the bathroom, and he was horrified at what he saw.  
Bucky was curled up in one corner of the shower, the water still spraying him. There was blood dripping down beneath him, and his human arm was butchered.  
“Bucky,” Steve shouted, alarmed.  
He heard no response. Immediately he flung open the shower and turned it off. The water had been freezing cold. Bucky was pale.  
Steve put his hand on Bucky's neck, feeling for a pulse. He was icy to the touch. He could feel Bucky's heartbeat, but it was weak, and rapid.  
Steve went into panic mode. He had no idea what to do. He moved Bucky a bit closer to himself, and looked him up and down. His right side was drenched in blood.  
Bucky opened his eyes, but barely. He squinted up at Steve.  
Steve was about to pick Bucky up, when Bucky pulled his arm away from Steve. He said something, but it was unintelligible.  
Steve set Bucky down, and grabbed a towel, for Bucky's sake. Bucky's eyes were closed when he came back, only seconds after he had opened them.  
Wrapping the towel around him for warmth, and decency, he spoke to Bucky.  
“Buck, can you hear me?” he paused with no response “please, Bucky,” he said, barely whispering. He stood up, holding Bucky bridal style.  
“Friday, tell anyone who is available, get the med bay ready. It's an emergency.” Steve said loudly, knowing that the computer would hear.  
He rushed out through the room, and into the hallway. Nobody was in the common room, but people had been when he had left.  
As he kept running, he felt tears streaming down his face, holding his battered up friend, now boyfriend in his arms.  
He took the stairs down, because the elevator was slower, and he knew it. He took them three at a time, and worried that he wasn't going fast enough.  
He could still see Bucky breathing, but it was shallow. He was still unconscious, or at least keeping his eyes closed.  
“You're gonna be ok Buck,” Steve said, more in reassurance to himself than Bucky.  
He reached the door into the med bay, where Natasha was there to receive them.  
She had known that he would take the stairs, so she would be ready to assess what was happening, and get any immediate necessary needs done.  
She gasped when she saw Bucky Steve's arms. He was limp, his arms rested over his body. His arms were both covered in watery blood. The arm that was bleeding, was very textured, with scars and marks that were not bleeding. It had many deep fresh cuts as well though. Most of the healed ones look more patterned, in lines and rows. But these ones were patternless, which was preventing them from healing.  
They ran together, Natasha asking Steve as many questions as she could, before they got to the main room.  
“What happened, do you know?”  
“No,”  
“Can you give me a run down, of all that you know?”  
“I went to check on him, and he was curled up in the shower, cold water running on him. There was lots of blood, and his pulse was weak, but rapid. He only opened his eyes once, and he tried to hide his arm from me, but he was weak so he didn't fight much. He said something, but I didn't hear what it was.”  
“Ok, that's all you know?”  
“It had been almost an hour and a half since I had seen him last, if that makes a difference,”  
“Oh my-” she cut herself off. Her guess was that he was suffering from blood loss, and that was enough time to kill even a super soldier. They had little time left.  
“Come on, in here” Nat said. They walked into one of the rooms, which resembled a hospital room, but had a variety of medical equipment that was not standard.  
Although Bruce was no good in high stress situations, he was the most qualified person to be a doctor, although he did not have a medical phd. He had related ones though, so he was there.  
Tony was there as well, because they knew it was an emergency and they needed all hands on deck. They all knew how to do simple things, such as sutures, CPR, and how to work iv machines, so the more hands the better.  
When they went in, Steve set Bucky down on the table, and walked back out of the room, at their dismissal.   
“You are not fit to be performing at all. Go. You need to go out and sit down, we've got enough people, hell be ok. We can call you in if we need your help.” Natasha had told him. He was still reluctant to leave, but he did.  
Tony was dismissed only fifteen ish minutes later, because he was no longer needed, which relieved Steve. That meant that Bucky was ok, most likely.  
“What happened to him, do you know?” Steve asked  
“He was suffering from blood loss, and if it had been much longer, we might not have been able to help him. It was impressive he lasted as long as he did.”  
Steve had guessed it, and was glad that he was alive.  
“All I had to do was numb his arm, and give him stitches, to stop the bleeding.” Tony continued “After that, I wrapped his arm up, and then they told me that they didn't need any more help.”  
Steve looked down at the ground. Bucky was happy. Earlier that day, they had been laughing, and making waffles. What had happened? Had he said something that upset Bucky? Or was Bucky never actually happy?  
Steve felt himself tearing up again.  
Tony clapped Steve on the back  
“He’ll be ok Steve.” Tony attempted to comfort him. He didn’t do a very good job, but Steve appreciated the sentiment.   
“Thanks, but Im still worried. What am I supposed to do next?” His tone showed his pain and concern.  
“You know, I don’t know much of what to do either. I think that you just need to try and help him as best you can. You can’t make him do anything, because he is an adult, he is his own person. All you can do is be there for him.”  
Steve sighed “I know. I wish I could do more though,” he paused “it makes me upset to see him hurt, physically and emotionally. I care about him, and I don’t want to see him in pain, ever!”  
Tony could sense his pain, and frustration. He understood wanting to help, and not being able to. Tony knew that he himself, was stubborn and never accepted help. He didn’t know Bucky very well, but he did seem like the kind of person, to push everyone and everything away. He seemed closed off.   
Tony started to speak, but stopped. He knew that now was not the time. Steve would ask for his advise if he wanted it. Right now, all he needed was comfort, and reasureance that everything would be ok.

After sitting quietly for another fifteen minutes, Natasha and Bruce came out, quietly. They closed the door behind themselves.  
“He’s ok, he is still asleep though” Bruce said “and understandably so. He was close to a fatal amount of blood loss. He did not reach comatose though. We got lucky. If he had waited ten more minutes, maybe even less, he could have died.”  
Steve felt his heart racing in his chest. If he had waited ten minutes, he might have not made it. The thought scared him. Bucky was all he had left from his old life. He was his oldest friend. They had done so much together, and he couldn’t bear to lose him.  
“Someone should stay with him until he wakes up.” Bruce said  
“I can do it,” Steve volunteered immediately   
Natasha Bruce and Tony looked at eachother.  
“What?” Steve asked  
“You can” Natasha said softly “but we’re worried about you too.” She continued “you do know him the best out of all of us, but we don’t want to put you through unnecessary stress.”  
“What are you trying to say?” Steve quirked his eyebrow up at her  
“We think that at least, right now, it would be best that someone else stayed here.”  
Steve didn’t say anything  
“Please,” she asked  
“We can go and get food, if you want?” Tony offered, hoping to sweeten the deal a little.  
“Can I see him right now, before I go?” Steve asked  
Natasha looked to Bruce for his advice.  
“Sure,” he said, hoping he had made the correct choice. They all knew that if he really wanted to see Bucky, and they said no, it would be difficult to stop him.  
He got up and went in, and saw Bucky laying on the bed. They had put blankets over him, because they did not want him to get sick.  
He had ivs in his wrist, to give him what he needed to stay alive. His forearm was wrapped in gauze, which had some blood seeping through it already. Although the sutures were holding his arm closed, it would probably take up to ten minutes before the cuts would stop bleeding completely.  
It hit Steve, at that moment, that they didn’t want him to watch him at the beginning, because someone would have to change the gauze on his arm a few times, and they would have to check on everything again after that. They didn’t want him seeing how bad it actually was. It must be awful, he thought, if they didn’t want him to even see it.  
Steve knelt down on Bucky's left side, where there was no technology. He held Bucky's hand, even though he knew he would barely feel it, if he even could. He looked at his face, as he slept peacefully.  
“You ready to go?” Tony asked him  
After a second, he responded “yes”  
He took a deep breath, before standing up, not letting go of Bucky's hand. He took one more look at him, before walking out the door.  
All his plans for the day were ruined. He had been hoping to confront Bucky about what he saw, and that was partially out of the way. He could figure out Bucky's birthday, but thinking about him made his heart ache.  
As he and Tony got in the elevator, he felt himself having the start of an anxiety attack. He felt very hot, and he thought he might pass out. He started panicking, but he tried to keep himself under control so he could get out of the elevator.  
He tried to calm himself by controlling his breathing, but it wasn’t working. He was spiraling, and quickly. He only needed to hold out for thirty seconds more, at most. He felt another wave of heat roll over him, and he thought he was going to fall over.  
He tried to casually put his weight against the wall, so he wouldn’t fall over. He went back further than he thought he would, and faster than he expected.  
“Woah” Tony said, turning to catch him  
“I’m fine,” Steve said with a stern tone in his voice.  
“Ok,” Tony said, surprised at his response  
Steve’s breathing started to speed up, as he leaned against the wall. The elevator reached the common floor, and the stop in momentum was enough to knock Steve off his feet.  
“Steve, are you ok?” Tony asked  
“Yes Im fine” he choked out, short on breath  
“Are you sure?” Tony asked, as Steve got up on shaky legs, and walked out of the elevator slowly.  
Steve spun around and swung his arm “I’m fine.” He commanded  
He turned back and speed walked to his room as quickly as he could.  
He got in and closed the door, immediately putting his back against it, and letting out breath after tremulous breath, as he slid to the floor. He continued to shake, and hyperventilate, as he tried to gain control over his body.   
His mind was clear, yet clouded at the same time. He remembered Bucky dying before him, and the pain he went through then. All the suffering that Bucky had dealt with since then.   
He felt his throat tighten, making it harder to breath. He started gasping for air. His lungs felt tight too. There wasn’t enough room in his body to live. He slid down into a laying position, still trembling.  
He laid, and clamped his eyes shut as closed as he could make them. Another surge of heat rolled over him, and he broke out into a cold sweat anew. He worried for his friend, and suffered alone on the floor in his room.   
Was this how Bucky felt? Scared and isolated, unable to move and in pain?   
But Steve didn’t want this. He didn’t want to hurt. Bucky did. Over and over again, Bucky had forced himself to suffer.   
And Steve had let him do it. If he had confronted Bucky last night, he thought, would Bucky still be laying in the med bay, his arm wrapped in bandages? Would he have done that to himself? How come Steve did not check in on him sooner after the very first time? Maybe he could have prevented pain and sorrow on Bucky's behalf.  
Steve felt a pang of guilt inside himself. It was his fault for being a bad friend. If he had been better, Bucky would be happier.

Once he had gained control over himself, he stood up, and instability still riddled his bones. He put his arm against the wall, for support while he regained his balance.  
He stood still, upright for a moment, to test the waters, and make sure that he was fine. He brushed himself off, and walked over to the bathroom. He figured that he could clean It up for Bucky, so at least when he came back, it would look nicer.  
He picked up the clothes, and put them away in the hamper. Then he went to Bucky's bed which was all amuck, and although it wasn’t normally neat, he normally put his blankets back in place at the least. It seemed that he had been in a rush when he got into the shower. It was unlike him.  
As Steve was neatening out the blankets, he saw blood on some of the sheets. He frowned. Now he needed to put the sheets in the wash too, and make the bed. He had been laying in that bed less than 10 hours ago. And now everything was in shambles.  
He knelt down next to the bed, and gently rested his head on it.  
He didn’t notice that he had started crying, until he shifted his head, and felt the damp sheet on his face. He didn’t mind it though. He stayed in place, barely moving. His mind was truly blank. Every time it tried to stray, he centered it back on not thinking.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his trance.  
“Yes?” He asked, unmoving  
“Can I come in?” A muffled masculine voice asked  
“Yeah”  
The door silently opened, as Steve slowly rolled over to see who it was  
Tony was standing in the doorway, arms crossed.  
“What are you up to?”he asked, leaning into the doorframe   
Steve sighed “nothing.”  
“He’s not dead, you need to take control over yourself.”   
Steve opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.  
“No buts, I don't want to hear it. Come on, let's get food.”  
“Ok,” Steve said standing up. He didn't want to get up, but he knew that it was what he needed.  
“Good job” Tony said, when he was up and walking.  
“Ugh, don't patronize me” Steve replied, in a poor mood.  
“What should we do? Wanna order out?” Tony proposed  
“Sure.”  
“What do you want to get”  
“I don't know. I'm not that hungry.” Steve said moodily  
“Oh come on, work with me!” Tony exclaimed, faking exasperation “do you want comfort food? Pizza?”  
Steve had to admit that pizza sounded good. “Sure, pizza I guess.” he crossed his arms as they got to the living room.  
Tony called in their order for pizza, and they settled in and waited for it to be delivered.


End file.
